Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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