My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
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