She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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