Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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