I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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