Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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