I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
