after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
