There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
