i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
