i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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