just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
