you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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