My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
