I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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