I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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