Don't make out with my wife yet
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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