So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
