I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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