I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize