so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
