dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
