I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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