y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
