Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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