mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He shit in the fireplace
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
