yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
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