I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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