Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
