I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
