This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
