My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
