he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
