I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
