my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
