I wanna bring you to show and tell
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
