this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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