Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
