I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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