After last night, I could never be a politician.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize