im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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