haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's never too late to be topless.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
