Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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