Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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