the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize