My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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