grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
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