I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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