I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
