just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
