my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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