i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
