my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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