my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
