The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
