you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize