I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
