I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Houston, we have a blender
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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