Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
