I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
