i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
