I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
