I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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