She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
