Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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