moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
someone owes me an orgasm
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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