Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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