I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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