on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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