What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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